Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff
Virgo-The cockroach scuttling around the weight room will give you chills, but once you see how much he can squat, you’ll just be impressed.
Libra-The sun warming your skin, a cool breeze on your cheek, the sound of your friend’s laughter — sometimes it’s hard to believe that none of this is real.
Scorpio-Nightclubs have never been your scene, but the detective sitting across the table simply won’t buy it.
Sagittarius-Your claim that you didn’t touch your roommate’s cheesy poofs will fall apart when you are betrayed by your dusty, dirty, orange fingers.
Capricorn-Thanks to some help from above, your petition to establish an Ancient Aliens studies major will be a huge success.
Aquarius-People won’t be able to tell if you are starting your holiday shopping very late or very early. Keep them guessing.
Pisces-Your snow dance will backfire when you misstep and summon cold rain instead. Damn you.
Aries-People will continue to give you crap for wearing shorts this week, but what they don’t know is that this isn’t even your final form.
Taurus-It’s finally time for you to sit down and knock this paper out. Better hop on Facebook for some quick inspiration first, though.
Gemini-You’ll be a little worse for the wear after falling down seven flights of stairs, but on the bright side, you beat the elevator down.
Cancer-Your new internship will play out exactly like The Office, but is that really a bad thing?
Leo-No one in their right mind would try cooking outside in this weather. Good thing you brought the grill inside, right?
