Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff
Virgo- Tough choice this week: continue in this hellish joke of a relationship or get your own Netflix account.
Libra- The person to your right isn’t lying when they say they aren’t contagious. The person to your left, however ….
Scorpio- Given recent news, you’ll finally be able to complete your Kesha fan shrine with the only thing that’s missing: Kesha herself.
Sagittarius- Prepare for another unbearable week in which the only encouragement you’ll get is through your horoscope. Just remember, you can do it!
Capricorn- Your elderly neighbor is quite frail, so her vicious right hook will seem even more surreal.
Aquarius- It’s true that sometimes you need to let go of control, but maybe not while driving down the highway, OK?
Pisces- You’ll try to avoid Sugar this week, but maybe instead you should just talk to Sugar and let her know how you are feeling.
Aries- People will call you stoic because you never cry, but the truth is that you have been emitting an odorless saline vapor from the glands behind your ears your whole life.
Taurus- This week, you’ll worry that you won’t have anything to worry about after you graduate.
Gemini- You’ll get the sense that love is in the air this week, but to everyone else, the air will smell kind of like that dumpster behind Popeye’s.
Cancer- You wouldn’t think that a spider could live between the tines of your toothbrush, but this week you’ll learn that spiders can surprise you.
Leo- Despite your enthusiasm, you won’t be able to understand why you can’t get people amped for your new Cereal Podcast.
