As host Chris Trew announced before the event started, “This is not the dry humping championship – that show would be lame as fuck” and he was right. The first annual Baltimore Air Sex Championship was not at all lame. Air sex is an art and is something that takes years of intensive and rigorous training to master… or not.
Air sex has been around for a while, touring the U.S. and culminating in a national final championship, this year in Dallas. This season however, was Baltimore’s first time hosting a regional championship and sending a contestant to the finals.
At the Ottobar, contestants, both seasoned veterans and first-timers, gave it and took it (to and from imaginary partners – sometimes multiple at once) all night in front of a panel of judges comprised of Baltimore comedians.
While some of the contestants have competed in air sex before and seemed to be practiced at pretending to have sex with themselves, for others this was a last minute decision and they jumped up on stage without a thought and began humping the air to their hearts’ content.
Runner-up Jason Steinberg created his air sex character as part of the Charm City Comedy Project. While he came in second, he gave a great first performance where he pulled a seemingly infinite partners out of thin air.
The contestant that came in third, Magic Mike, gave a great first performance culminating into what judge and host of the Laughfinder podcast, Tommy Sinbazo described as a “seizure of semen.” Magic Mike brought a lot of energy and was giving a great performance until he quit in the final round, jumped off the stage and just started dancing in a puddle of spilled beer in the middle of the audience.
The winner of the Baltimore air sex competition and the only woman competing in the contest, Queef Pantry, put on a bizarre but captivating performance to Shania Twain’s “I Feel Like a Woman.” It was obvious that there was a lot of thought put into this performance, one that added a new level to air sex and showed the men of the competition all of the hard work that woman put in before giving their air partners some air lovin’.
She put on an outfit, put on some lipstick, some makeup… and then a clown wig – and not only on her head… The trench coat came off, revealing a skin tight leather outfit, the whip came out and the crazy clown air sex commenced. This performance made her a shoo-in for the finals and her air fellatio in the final, audience judged round is what won her ticket to the finals in Dallas (as well as a gift card to Hampden’s premier sex shop, Sugar).
Overall the night was a fantastic time and all of the contestants gave enamored performances that left them exhausted, their imaginary partners satisfied and all kinds of imaginary fluids on the stage for the air janitorial staff to clean up.
Here’s to hoping that we see Air Sex in Baltimore again next year as it it a fantastic addition to our city that we should look upon proudly.
