According to the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, it is now “two minutes to midnight,” referring to their Doomsday Clock. The closer to midnight, the higher chance of a man-made global catastrophe.
“Something’s wrong,” senior aerodynamics major Sum Ting Wong says. “I might have to evacuate UMBC unless we can do something about it.”
Though scientists are unsure about what catastrophe lies ahead, doomsday analyst Ben Dover says, “anything is possible. There might be a Third World War, zombie apocalypse or global tsunami. My money’s on a virus that less than one percent of the population will be immune to.”
In a panel discussion at UMBC, professors discussed what the best course of action might be to protect the safety of the university. Other colleges have restructured their programs to include survival classes. However, UMBC will get an entirely new degree dedicated to doomsday.
Doomsday specialist Justin Sider says, “a bachelor of survival in doomsday preparation will help students survive when shit hits the fan.”
After the discussion, officials decided that UMBC will offer a bachelor of survival in doomsday preparation next fall. The new degree expands on UMBC’s course schedule and adds faculty members. Several professors from around the globe have already registered to teach the new courses.
Senior manager of underground bunker construction Chris P. Bacon says, “it’s about time UMBC got their priorities straight. I’m going to offer a course called DP201, Introduction to Underground Survival.”
Bacon says his course will teach students the basics of bunker construction. They will also learn how to create their own light sources using natural resources. “Think of it as camping, but with a twist. I believe living above the ground after the world ends is unfeasible. There is no safer place than underneath the Earth,” says Bacon.
“Although it’s useful to know how to bash a zombie’s head in, I think it’s imperative for everyone to know how to cook something palatable,” post-apocalyptic executive master chef Filay Minyon says. “Just because the world ends doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a nice meal.”
Minyon will teach DP150, DP250 and DP350 next Fall. “DP150 will teach students how to turn a can of chicken soup into a four-star dish. If the student makes it to DP350, they’ll learn how to cultivate earthworms and mothballs into something even Gordon Ramsay would eat on a daily basis,” she says.
Sophomore dumpster diving major Tahra Dactyl says, “I’m excited for the new degree. I watched shows like AMC’s The Walking Dead and BBC’s Survivors. If the world ends, I want to shoot zombies for a living.”
For students like Dactyl, the doomsday preparation degree provides alternative ways to protect oneself from danger. “Guns aren’t allowed here,” water polo professor Dyl Pickol says. “But that shouldn’t be a problem. My introduction to miscellaneous object throwing class — DP179 — will give students a hands-on approach to self-defense.”
Pickol believes that the essence to surviving is to think outside the box. “You have to get creative. Nine times out of ten, you have no choice but to use a toilet plunger to defend against adversity.”
