Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff
Virgo- Things are looking bad for you, but on the bright side, your goldfish is going to have an absolutely killer week.
Libra- Winter is finally gone and, with it, all of the snow-friends that you built to keep yourself company. Why does everyone go away?
Scorpio- It’s too bad you can’t save your progress IRL because this week it’s game over man, game over!
Sagittarius- You’ll make great progress on your android this week, but you’ll find its urgent and frequent requests for raw red meat disconcerting.
Capricorn- Considering the fact that you woke the slumbering dread-lord Cthulhu during a spring break scuba trip, this week will be surprisingly normal.
Aquarius- You won’t be able to get that song out of your head after your ear-buds fuse to your skull.
Pisces- Hope you like yams, because that’s what in store this week. Yams upon yams upon yams.
Aries- It would be crossing a line to joke about your plane going down, but this a completely serious horoscope column and we don’t joke here.
Taurus- It’ll be a rough week for you socially and you can expect especially heated conflicts with Leo, Cancer, Gemini, Aries, Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Libra, Virgo and other Taurus.
Gemini- You’ll have trouble concentrating at the entomology lab this week, but that’s really less of a reflection on you than it is on the parasitic wasps in your brain.
Cancer- You’ve been occupied with the future lately, but after you get your history midterm back, you’re going to be dwelling on the past.
Leo- Spring break may be over, but the warm memories and that one infectious disease will last you the rest of your life.
