Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff
Virgo- Your new pen will turn out to be better for doodling than taking notes, which is fine because you don’t take notes anyway.
Libra- You’ll struggle with feelings of insignificance both in and out of your statistics class.
Scorpio- This week, you’ll watch your dreams go up in smoke when your RA tells you that can’t have a portable fire-pit in your dorm.
Sagittarius- It’ll be a game-changer this week when you realize that you are supposed to read Spanish from left to right, rather than the other way around.
Capricorn- A simple game of hide and seek will take a turn for the profound when you finally stop hiding and find yourself.
Aquarius- You’ll be horrified to realize that the ants are coming from inside your laptop.
Pisces- The hell-rift will be especially fragile this week. Turn up your headphones extra loud to prevent the demons from entering your brain-zone.
Aries- You and your prospective employer will both share a hearty laugh over your resume before he finally asks you to leave.
Taurus- You’ll take the weather personally this week, which is understandable given the group of physicists dedicated to ruining your life with their confounded weather machine.
Gemini- You’ll be hopelessly confused when the carnivorous plant you are supposed to raise for your botany class turns out to be both vegan and gluten-sensitive.
Cancer- If you thought getting hit by a foul ball in the middle of your chemistry lab last week was strange, just wait to see what flies through the window this week.
Leo- You’ll experience great pride when you find out that you’re the case of bee sting-induced anaphylactic shock this spring.
