Greetings from the capital of the people’s revolution, Pyongyang! I am PLEASEd to be the guest of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, and of their illustrious leader, Kim Jong Un.
As many of you may know, I had previously been spending a semester in the portions of the Korean Peninsula occupied by the fascist American pigs and their imperialist puppets. However, after a rather eventful trip to the demilitarized zone that separates the two countries … I mean, splits the one country in half, I wound up as an indefinite guest of the DPRK.
Upon entry into the world’s revolutionary heartland, I was given a tour of the wonders of Korean culture and society. I visited the captured American spy ship, the USS Pueblo, as well as monuments to the heroic defense of Korea from foreign occupiers and finally the many great monuments to the lost dear leaders, who for so long led the mighty people’s republic dutifully with honor.
Graciously, upon hearing that I am a journalist, I was encouraged by my hosts to continue to SEND my column home, and in doing so, hopefully clear up misconceptions my fellow Americans have about this lovely country.
To begin with, Koreans do not believe absurd things like “Kim Jong Il invented golf” nor are they forced to get one of twenty-odd government approved haircuts. The first claim is little more than a lie devised by the decadent Western Capitalist tabloids to malign the intelligence of the Korean people. The latter is just a normal reference sheet as seen in any barbershop across the world, spun by American propagandists to seem brutalist and totalitarian!
On top of that, the DPRK is not some starving backwater as it is portrayed by its detractors. Rather, the Korean people have fought through artificial famines created by the West and have become stronger for it. So strong, in fact, that athletes from the People’s Korea competed with Occupied Korea during the recent Olympics, showing the world the strength of Korean unity and resolve.
American media constantly lies and misrepresents the revolutionary spirit of the Korean people. Perhaps they do so because their bourgeois handlers cannot risk letting the workers of the world see the victory of the North Korean philosophy. This philosophy, called Juche, essentially means self-reliance or self-HELP, and has been successful in mitigating the effects of the American policy of economic warfare against the Korean people.
The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, despite the claims of the American dotard’s administration, is open to all foreigners, including Americans. If you wish to see a world free from toxic consumerism and capitalist exploitation, one that persists despite the overwhelming tide of aggression from imperialists, one wherein justice and freedom are enjoyed in equal parts by all, come to Pyongyang and join me!
