Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff
Virgo- “Get your feet off the table!” will take on a whole new meaning in your next anatomy lab.
Libra- All is fair in love and war. Too bad you won’t be able to decide if this is love. Or war.
Scorpio- It’s unfortunate that your thesis isn’t on the perils of loose lighting fixtures, because then at least the events of this week would have some relevance.
Sagittarius- Your roommate’s insistence that it was her boyfriend who did that to the toilet won’t make you feel less sick.
Capricorn- You’re going to have second thoughts about the cult you joined, but just ask yourself what would Nehmet, Devourer of the Seven Skies and Unholy Minstrel of Weeping, want you to do?
Aquarius- The kitten you smuggled into your dorm will leave a mark on your heart, but only after marking all of your other things first.
Pisces- Your nose is going to do that thing again. You know, that thing where it is stuffy and runny at the same time.
Aries- You’ll find that there really are things worse than the hike up the Walker Avenue hill. For example, boulders tumbling down at you while you hike up the Walker Avenue hill.
Taurus- You will continue to be baffled by the lack of shouting in your elements of argument class and increasingly annoyed at your classmates indifference.
Gemini- Your proneness for confusion will lead you to conclude that you have ebola, and that “It’s really not that bad.”
Cancer- You are going to make a remarkable discovery in your genetics lab, but thanks to your remarkable ability to forget it won’t matter.
Leo- You’ll be disappointed to discover that Party City isn’t really where the party at.
