After “just fucking killing it,” in the most recent Humans vs. Zombies event on the UMBC campus, James “Fuck You Zombies” McCallister has been named this week’s athlete of the week.
McCallister took out an unprecedented 28 zombies last Tuesday, by his own count. Since there is no official record keeping for how many zombies a human stuns by hitting them with a foam dart, self-reporting is the traditional means for statistics on the games.
“I mean, it was perfect,” McCallister said. “I saw these turds moseying up and just unloaded my ‘18s on them.”
The Nerf N-Strike Elite Rapidstrike CS-18 is a fully automatic, assault-style dart rifle unpopular with some players because of its velocity and magazine capacity.
“Listen, I don’t need anyone telling me what size magazine I can use,” McCallister said. “[The dart guns] were birthday presents from my parents. I’m not just going to trade them in for some shitty little Big Shocks. They have real sentimental value.”
McCallister is easily identifiable on the field because of his well-known catchphrase, “Fuck You Zombies.” The battle cry originated in his first Humans vs. Zombies contest, when McCallister was overrun by a giant horde of zombies and devoured.
“I’ll never forget it. It was the most real and intense moment of my life,” McCallister said. “I could feel my intestines being torn out while my heart was still beating.”
Other players present at the incident maintain that McCallister was not harmed in any way.
“Jimmy is a bit of a camper,” sophomore philosophy major and fellow human Susan B. Anthony said. “He usually just sits around and when he sees zombies coming he jumps out and screams at them. If he had just stayed with us, he never would have been taken down like that.”
While this tactic has lead to recognition for McCallister, several teammates have complained that it creates problems within the game.
“We usually try and stick together, mostly because it’s more fun that way,” Anthony said. “Jimmy’s a bit of a lone wolf, but it’s worked for him I guess.”
McCallister was recently granted eligibility after a three month suspension for shooting hitting UMBC president Freeman A. Hrabowski III with a sock as he was leaving the Administration Building.
“Have you ever seen that guy,” McCallister said. “I’m still not sure he’s not a zombie.”
